Let it Be

This year had been hard. I'm not going to lie and say, "Oh Gosh! Can you believe it I like so totally had an awesome year!!" No that's not it. It's been hard. True, a lot of it is my fault. I caused myself this pain. But some of it is not. To start off, this is just going to be about me moaning and groaning about how hard life is so if you don't want to read just skip down to the bottom about the song. For those of you who do want to hear, here i go.
The school year started and I met a really cute guy, Andy. I liked him alot and broke up with Ian to be with him. And and I went to homecoming together where he asked me out. We went out for two months. During those two months I met his family. Not just his Mom, Dad, and Sister. But his Grandparents, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and Great Grandma. His Mom absolutely Loved me and intertwined me into his life. I knew everything that went on before he did. Life was awesome. It really was. I had the lead in the school play, I was a cheerleader, I had an awesome boyfriend, I had straight A's, and I was the only freshman to get a solo in the Cabiret. No one could hurt me. Well not anyone that would anyway. But then some stuff starts going on at home with Andy's family. I only know of it because his mom told me. He broke up with me over a text message saying he wanted to be alone, let's still be friends, it's not you it's me. All in one sentence. I wanted to talk him out of it but nonetheless i couldn't. I told his mom and his dad, and his sister. None of them saw this coming and they wanted to know but he told no one. He refused to look at me at school. He moved all of his things out of my locker and avoided me at all costs. This was hard because I had a class with him but luckily i started signing out of my studyhall. Slowly I got my feet back underneath me, I realized Andy was not coming back no matter what I did. During this time, My grandma was slowly getting sick. Remember I have 11 grandparents and I don't get to see all of them as much as I'd like. Well My grandma has Diabeties and MS. I think she had asthma too and she smoked. One night she had a stroke that turned her into a vegetable. We decided to take her off treatment because she would not want to live like that. 3 or 4 days later I think it was, she died. I was at a party when I found out. A christmas party. You want to know why? it was the week right before christmas. Her funeral was December 23. She was only 56 years old. That was my first close family member that died. I tried to forget she had died, I still try too. I hardly ever saw her anyway. Only at my cousins birthday parties. We haven't had any yet so I am able to pretend and I know it's going to be a shock when she's not there. Throughout this, a girl i thought to be my friend was flirting with Andy and wanted to go out with him. He decided not too and I found out ANOTHER one of my friends was flirting with him. They are now going out. So much for being alone right? Worst part is, her lockers right next to mine and he's always there refusing to look/talk to/at me so It's hard to get to my locker alot of the time. Another thing, My little Uncle Jake, he's sick too. I have no clue what with, he just has this thing where his bloodplatelets are way to low and he has to have treatments but I am not seeing any help in this. He's not getting better. My sister has a constant fever now. A week or so ago her fever was 105.4. My great grandma fell down and broke her hip and is now in the hospital. My Grandpa might've had a stroke but we're not sure yet. My mom can hardly do anything now because the pain is so bad. I'm realizing a lot of things in life are not as good as they seemed. Life pretty much SUCKS. This year has been tough and I can't believe how much has happened. It can only get better right? Wrong. I am worried that at any minute someone might drop dead for something. I don't know who but I'm scared! I don't know what to do anymore!!!!! I've tried ignoring it all but it doesn't work. Everyone is sick. People I'm worried most about:Grandpa T, Mom, Mia, Nana Bunn, and my Dad. They are all sick.

Back to my Grandma Kallies. My mom is writing a story, it's rather sad. In it there is a death of a grandparent. It hit home. I couldn't read the entire page for my eyes were filled with tears. At the wake I thought I would be okay because It wasn't the real funeral yet. My grandpa came in and hugged my dad and they started crying, it just got worse after that. Then we had to leave and come back the next day at 9. They then had to close the coffin. I thought it was stupid ofthem. Why close it?? She's still in there. I know she is! I was ready to get up and open it myself. I had to sing. Then my dad read an essay he wrote when he was little. About how mom's were great. How he couldn't live without her. I don't want to have to run through it over and over in my head. After going to this baptist church they say anyone who isn't saved doesn't go to heaven? What about my Grandma? She was never really big into religion. Does that mean she's burning in hell? Is she really there? Why? Worst part is i never said goodbye. I thought I would see her again. We went and saw her on monday. I couldn't stand to be in the room with her. It stunk horribly but I managed. I didn't say goodbye, i expected to see her tuesday. Nope. I never saw my grandma again. Just a cold body that looked and felt like paper. I miss my Grandma. I really do. I feel so guilty.

Song:Let it Be from Across the Universe. this song because it makes me cry also. It makes me think of how horrible we were back then. Death happened everywhere. Even to little kids.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

If you haven't lost a loved one, I'm happy for you. Spend as much time with them as possible for you never know when you might never see them again.

Inscription of Hope

Have you ever had that feeling where all you want to do is ask for forgiveness? You want to get on your knees and weep for every little sin you have ever caused. You want to ask the lord why oh why you love me so. I have done nothing to deserve this. You almost want him to punish you. But then you remember Jesus died for you and you cry harder. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling of being saved? If not you should have it because there's nothing like it. This last weekend I went to Northland Baptist College in Dunbar Wisconsin. It was the experience of a lifetime. There were around 130 campers. Most of them from the Midwest but some were from Louisiana also. They were all there. To HEAR the word of god spoken to them for them. Some came, true, just to get out of school or because their parents forced them. But most, yes MOST, came because they worship and LOVE God. You of course had your girls that were oh way to cool to be there. Then there are the guys who have to show off in front of everybody. But that is only maybe a 1/100 of the people there. Everyone else was so nice. People were happy, laughing, talking, joking, singing, praising the lord. All together. Just to be there for HIM. I had the privilege of hearing Evangelist Jeremy Frazor speak to us. He gave us 4 messages in the course of two days only. They were amazing. I felt myself drawn and sucking in every word he said. He spoke of sin, adultery, pride, parents, God, Jesus, love, lust, commitment, safety. All of it. I was almost brought to tears by his word. Many of the things he said felt as if they were pointed directly at me. He wasn't just TELLING us that we needed to be saved, no no, he in fact SAVED more than half of the group there. Even after the first night there was a major difference in the amount of people gossiping. Almost everyone became friends. I had a little bit of a hard time with my cabin because I admit, my biggest sin is my pride. I won't take people crap even if I deserve it. I am who I am and I know it. I won't be lied too or lie about it. That's not always a good thing. Another thing is that I often criticize people. I'm trying hard to stop. Some things went on in my cabin that just made me extremely uncomfortable and kind of disgusted but I had to remind myself that these girls were my sisters and we were all here together to worship God. Not only that, but they needed my prayers. I don't know if all the girls in my cabin were saved but I prayed for them every night we were there. I prayed and I cried and I asked the lord to help me to help them so that they could be put on the path of righteousness.

On other parts of the weekend, we didn't spend the whole time in worship. There were a lot of things that went on. The entire group was divided into two groups, red endurance and blue Polaris. I was red along with Beth and Mitchell, two others from our church. I am happy to say the red team won the competition. The first day, Thursday night, me and Beth didn't really reach out to anyone we were still getting comfortable and trying hard to fit in. We got along with two girls in our cabin really well, Casey and Becca. Well at the first service on Friday we had greeting time. We both turned around to find a bunch of guys with their hands stuck out and all yelling out names. The two we really talked to were Isaac and Dil, two boys from Louisiana. Beth wanted to talk to them to get her accent back. I wanted to just because I love anyone with an accent it’s so cute. :] Our counselor wanted us to all tell her about our life stories. Beth and I went to see her at the small coffee shop on campus. When we were done she bought us drinks and as were about to leave Isaac came up to us with Dil and they were on the way to the tubing hill. We stood there talking bout about an hour or so then they wanted to play snow football. We walked outside and held their stuff for them, which all included two pairs of sunglasses, a book, a program, and a frappucino Reeses. We stood there for well over an hour watching them play in the frozen tundra. Then it got so cold we had to go in. We set their stuff down where it'd be safe and ran into the dorms where it'd be nice. By then we had acquired Beth's twin sisters Jessica and Jennifer and their friends Sara and Tess. We talked then we went to go see if they were still playing where we ran into Isaac again. We had to go eat then but we met up with them again after words to just hang out for maybe 15 minutes before the service where we all just passed secret glances back and forth before being entirely sucked into the sermon. After we had about 3 hours of free time (it was around 7) so we all (me, Beth, Isaac, Dil, Jessica, Jennifer, Sara, Tess, Brandon, Mitchell, jay, and Katy) went to the tubing hill to go in the dark. That was cold!! But we managed to make it, a couple times linked holding hands where all the girls laughed and giggled at holding a guy’s hand, a few times just alone. We then had to quick change to warm clothes and go to the gym for a game. The red guys sat by us and the blue had to leave us. We then had to go through a sort of obstacle course. The first part was just dodging flying tennis balls (if you got hit you start over), after that you had to run around some wrestlers that had to tackle you to the ground but if you got past you went to a balance beam where you had to try and dodge these HUGE inflatable beach balls that were flying at you while not falling. After that it was just easy stuff. I made it through once, which is more than I can say for the guys of course. Beth made it through twice. Then we sat on the ground (around 11:30) and watched videos while eating Arbys food. We then RACED back to our cabins (after promising the guys that we'd all take pictures together tomorrow) to quick change before bed. Once there our counselor prayed over us, almost crying over her love for us. We then slept. Today after waking up around 6 we were in the cabin until 9. It had snowed over night throwing the camp into a panic and the day shortened considerably. We ate and found the guys then talked and goofed around a little. Then to the service. The Evangelist was riding home with us so we didn't have to leave right away. The guys on the other hand had to leave immediately for their 25 hour trip. We got one final wave as the van whipped around the corner and then we left. Mostly on the way home we were talking to Mr. Frazor and his friend Joe Kopp about accents. We kept making each other say random words to see how we said it. Finally I'm home. It was altogether an exciting weekend and I can't wait to see if I can make enough money to go for summer camp. It would a lot of fun. I'm going to ask Pastor Wagner if I can get a copy of the MP3 of Mr. Frazor speaking so I'll be able to listen again and again because he really did help me.

I'm not going to go and find the lyrics or a video to a song I'm just going to type the lyrics here.
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining
And I believe in love even when theirs no one there.
And I believe in god even when he is silent
I believe through any trial, there is always a way.
But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter and hope someone’s there
But a voice rises within me saying hold on my child
I'll give you strength I'll give you hope
Just stay a little while.
May there someday be sunshine
May there some day be happiness
May there someday be love
.....May there some day......
Be peace.
The song is called inscription of hope by Dr. Z. Randall Stroope. Mr. Stroope asks that whenever this piece is performed the following Paragraph is read allowed for the audience so they are able to understand the significance of the text.
The Holocaust is a stunning reminder of the tragic results of prejudice and hate toward other people. But it is also a reminder that hope held firm will eventually reign victorious over the greatest of odds. The following words were inscribed on the walls of a cellar in Cologne, Germany, where Jews were hiding from the Nazis during World War II. Hope was all they had to hold on to; hope was their only bridge to a brighter tomorrow.
I'm singing this song as a duet with another girl in my class and it really did inspire me so I am putting it here in hopes that it will make you think, and love and be maybe just a bit more grateful for the life we have today. How blessed we are to not having gone through anything of the sort. We have God to thank for that.