Wonder

Wow is the first word I must say. I've been gone for a long time. My life got caught up under me and I figured I had no time for the blog. My life has indeed been busy. I'm on varsity cheer, Jazz Choir, Link Crew, Varsity Club, Weight-Lifting club. I've accomplished quite a bit over this last year with the support of family and friends. I am going to state for my Solo in solo ensemble. Also for jazz and madrigal. We went to state for our cheerleading routine back in february. That was a lot of fun. Trying to recap an entire year.. or plus more is going to be difficult. Let's try this. Last year I went to prom with a boy name Shawn Dobry. We had been together for a week but we had broken up and still went together. That was difficult. About two weeks later I ended up dating a boy, Jesse. His girlfriend had broken up with him because she found him boring and a jerk. I felt horrible because we'd been friends before. We started hanging out after the split and we got to know each other really well. He asked me out and we were together for 3 weeks. He then told me lets just be friends because he hadn't moved on yet. I said ok though it was hard and we remained ok. It was the end of school and we hung out almost every day. I went to bible camp again at Northland and when I came back he immediately sped to my house and asked me to be his again. He had missed me. I said ok and we were together. EVeryone thought we were perfect. I did love being with the boy. He made me happy and he was someone to talk to. But after about 4 months I started losing something. I was never sure of him. I was afraid he'd leave me again. I guess some might say thats unhealthy because there was no trust but i figured we were ok. 3 months later I got an unsuspected text saying he was cheating on me with another girl saying he was going to leave me. I freaked out because it was exactly as I expected. He denied it all and I decided I'd rather believe a lie then accept the truth. We ended up ok. But a few weeks later we got in a huge fight where he almost broke up with me. I yelled at him saying don't he DARE say we just be friends because i deserved a whole heck of a lot more and hung up on him. He decided to stay with me, for then. During this entire relationship he always always ALWAYS texted other girls. It drove me insane so I texted other boys just so i could have a little comfort in it. Well I got my texting taken away so me and him stopped talking as much. We didn't hang out. We just slowly cut off. There was one girl in particular I didn't like him talking to her and i asked him not to and he said ok. The last sunday in in February I was home alone at my dads. I got a call from jesse and he was telling me we needed to break up. After 8 months he didn't have the guts to say it to my face. He talked me into agreeing to be friends but I was a wreck. Two days later he cleared everything out of my locker. The next day he asked that certain girl to prom. They made my life a complete living hell. It was hard to go to school because I knew the looks I would get. It wasn't that I wanted him back. I DON'T want him back. I want it all to go away because in fact still today it hasn't gone away. Well if I look at these last 5 weeks I see I could have been more grown up. I know this and I tried being the bigger person for the most part. I didn't say stuff about them I just left them alone pretending they didn't exist. They aren't going to prom anymore. He's going with a freshman. I'm ok with that. I'll go with a friend since I already bought my dress. It's gorgeous and cost a pretty penny so why waste it. On something that isn't about boys my Uncle Howard was dying. He's still not completely healthy but he's healing. He had cancer, a staph infection, and he was septic.. I think thats the word. I went to see him and he looked horrible I was afraid we were going to lose him. But he pulled through so hopefully he will recover. My mom has been sick and there are days where she can hardly move. I help out where I can as does my brother and stepdad. My sister had her first dance recital just yesterday and she was adorable. She's 6 now. My brother's birthday was 2 days ago and now he's 18.


Today's song is Wonder by Natalie Merchant. When my mom and Stepdad got married they made both me and my brother a cd of the songs they thought reminded them of us. My cd included Paul McCartneys Mama's Little Girl, The middle by Jimmy Eat World and a few others including Wonder. This song made me think that maybe I am above average. I'm up there in the world and I can make a difference. I can make a change and people will notice it. This song shows me that my mom believes in me and she knows what i can do though she says I amaze her every day. The lyrics in the song "god's own creation" also tell me that God made us all seprately. He didn't make a single person average. If each person lives up to their full potential and in God's way that person will reach the moon and beyond. All they have to do is live in the way
God wants them to.




Lyrics | Natalie Merchant Lyrics | Wonder Lyrics

Let it Be

This year had been hard. I'm not going to lie and say, "Oh Gosh! Can you believe it I like so totally had an awesome year!!" No that's not it. It's been hard. True, a lot of it is my fault. I caused myself this pain. But some of it is not. To start off, this is just going to be about me moaning and groaning about how hard life is so if you don't want to read just skip down to the bottom about the song. For those of you who do want to hear, here i go.
The school year started and I met a really cute guy, Andy. I liked him alot and broke up with Ian to be with him. And and I went to homecoming together where he asked me out. We went out for two months. During those two months I met his family. Not just his Mom, Dad, and Sister. But his Grandparents, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and Great Grandma. His Mom absolutely Loved me and intertwined me into his life. I knew everything that went on before he did. Life was awesome. It really was. I had the lead in the school play, I was a cheerleader, I had an awesome boyfriend, I had straight A's, and I was the only freshman to get a solo in the Cabiret. No one could hurt me. Well not anyone that would anyway. But then some stuff starts going on at home with Andy's family. I only know of it because his mom told me. He broke up with me over a text message saying he wanted to be alone, let's still be friends, it's not you it's me. All in one sentence. I wanted to talk him out of it but nonetheless i couldn't. I told his mom and his dad, and his sister. None of them saw this coming and they wanted to know but he told no one. He refused to look at me at school. He moved all of his things out of my locker and avoided me at all costs. This was hard because I had a class with him but luckily i started signing out of my studyhall. Slowly I got my feet back underneath me, I realized Andy was not coming back no matter what I did. During this time, My grandma was slowly getting sick. Remember I have 11 grandparents and I don't get to see all of them as much as I'd like. Well My grandma has Diabeties and MS. I think she had asthma too and she smoked. One night she had a stroke that turned her into a vegetable. We decided to take her off treatment because she would not want to live like that. 3 or 4 days later I think it was, she died. I was at a party when I found out. A christmas party. You want to know why? it was the week right before christmas. Her funeral was December 23. She was only 56 years old. That was my first close family member that died. I tried to forget she had died, I still try too. I hardly ever saw her anyway. Only at my cousins birthday parties. We haven't had any yet so I am able to pretend and I know it's going to be a shock when she's not there. Throughout this, a girl i thought to be my friend was flirting with Andy and wanted to go out with him. He decided not too and I found out ANOTHER one of my friends was flirting with him. They are now going out. So much for being alone right? Worst part is, her lockers right next to mine and he's always there refusing to look/talk to/at me so It's hard to get to my locker alot of the time. Another thing, My little Uncle Jake, he's sick too. I have no clue what with, he just has this thing where his bloodplatelets are way to low and he has to have treatments but I am not seeing any help in this. He's not getting better. My sister has a constant fever now. A week or so ago her fever was 105.4. My great grandma fell down and broke her hip and is now in the hospital. My Grandpa might've had a stroke but we're not sure yet. My mom can hardly do anything now because the pain is so bad. I'm realizing a lot of things in life are not as good as they seemed. Life pretty much SUCKS. This year has been tough and I can't believe how much has happened. It can only get better right? Wrong. I am worried that at any minute someone might drop dead for something. I don't know who but I'm scared! I don't know what to do anymore!!!!! I've tried ignoring it all but it doesn't work. Everyone is sick. People I'm worried most about:Grandpa T, Mom, Mia, Nana Bunn, and my Dad. They are all sick.

Back to my Grandma Kallies. My mom is writing a story, it's rather sad. In it there is a death of a grandparent. It hit home. I couldn't read the entire page for my eyes were filled with tears. At the wake I thought I would be okay because It wasn't the real funeral yet. My grandpa came in and hugged my dad and they started crying, it just got worse after that. Then we had to leave and come back the next day at 9. They then had to close the coffin. I thought it was stupid ofthem. Why close it?? She's still in there. I know she is! I was ready to get up and open it myself. I had to sing. Then my dad read an essay he wrote when he was little. About how mom's were great. How he couldn't live without her. I don't want to have to run through it over and over in my head. After going to this baptist church they say anyone who isn't saved doesn't go to heaven? What about my Grandma? She was never really big into religion. Does that mean she's burning in hell? Is she really there? Why? Worst part is i never said goodbye. I thought I would see her again. We went and saw her on monday. I couldn't stand to be in the room with her. It stunk horribly but I managed. I didn't say goodbye, i expected to see her tuesday. Nope. I never saw my grandma again. Just a cold body that looked and felt like paper. I miss my Grandma. I really do. I feel so guilty.

Song:Let it Be from Across the Universe. this song because it makes me cry also. It makes me think of how horrible we were back then. Death happened everywhere. Even to little kids.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

If you haven't lost a loved one, I'm happy for you. Spend as much time with them as possible for you never know when you might never see them again.

Inscription of Hope

Have you ever had that feeling where all you want to do is ask for forgiveness? You want to get on your knees and weep for every little sin you have ever caused. You want to ask the lord why oh why you love me so. I have done nothing to deserve this. You almost want him to punish you. But then you remember Jesus died for you and you cry harder. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling of being saved? If not you should have it because there's nothing like it. This last weekend I went to Northland Baptist College in Dunbar Wisconsin. It was the experience of a lifetime. There were around 130 campers. Most of them from the Midwest but some were from Louisiana also. They were all there. To HEAR the word of god spoken to them for them. Some came, true, just to get out of school or because their parents forced them. But most, yes MOST, came because they worship and LOVE God. You of course had your girls that were oh way to cool to be there. Then there are the guys who have to show off in front of everybody. But that is only maybe a 1/100 of the people there. Everyone else was so nice. People were happy, laughing, talking, joking, singing, praising the lord. All together. Just to be there for HIM. I had the privilege of hearing Evangelist Jeremy Frazor speak to us. He gave us 4 messages in the course of two days only. They were amazing. I felt myself drawn and sucking in every word he said. He spoke of sin, adultery, pride, parents, God, Jesus, love, lust, commitment, safety. All of it. I was almost brought to tears by his word. Many of the things he said felt as if they were pointed directly at me. He wasn't just TELLING us that we needed to be saved, no no, he in fact SAVED more than half of the group there. Even after the first night there was a major difference in the amount of people gossiping. Almost everyone became friends. I had a little bit of a hard time with my cabin because I admit, my biggest sin is my pride. I won't take people crap even if I deserve it. I am who I am and I know it. I won't be lied too or lie about it. That's not always a good thing. Another thing is that I often criticize people. I'm trying hard to stop. Some things went on in my cabin that just made me extremely uncomfortable and kind of disgusted but I had to remind myself that these girls were my sisters and we were all here together to worship God. Not only that, but they needed my prayers. I don't know if all the girls in my cabin were saved but I prayed for them every night we were there. I prayed and I cried and I asked the lord to help me to help them so that they could be put on the path of righteousness.

On other parts of the weekend, we didn't spend the whole time in worship. There were a lot of things that went on. The entire group was divided into two groups, red endurance and blue Polaris. I was red along with Beth and Mitchell, two others from our church. I am happy to say the red team won the competition. The first day, Thursday night, me and Beth didn't really reach out to anyone we were still getting comfortable and trying hard to fit in. We got along with two girls in our cabin really well, Casey and Becca. Well at the first service on Friday we had greeting time. We both turned around to find a bunch of guys with their hands stuck out and all yelling out names. The two we really talked to were Isaac and Dil, two boys from Louisiana. Beth wanted to talk to them to get her accent back. I wanted to just because I love anyone with an accent it’s so cute. :] Our counselor wanted us to all tell her about our life stories. Beth and I went to see her at the small coffee shop on campus. When we were done she bought us drinks and as were about to leave Isaac came up to us with Dil and they were on the way to the tubing hill. We stood there talking bout about an hour or so then they wanted to play snow football. We walked outside and held their stuff for them, which all included two pairs of sunglasses, a book, a program, and a frappucino Reeses. We stood there for well over an hour watching them play in the frozen tundra. Then it got so cold we had to go in. We set their stuff down where it'd be safe and ran into the dorms where it'd be nice. By then we had acquired Beth's twin sisters Jessica and Jennifer and their friends Sara and Tess. We talked then we went to go see if they were still playing where we ran into Isaac again. We had to go eat then but we met up with them again after words to just hang out for maybe 15 minutes before the service where we all just passed secret glances back and forth before being entirely sucked into the sermon. After we had about 3 hours of free time (it was around 7) so we all (me, Beth, Isaac, Dil, Jessica, Jennifer, Sara, Tess, Brandon, Mitchell, jay, and Katy) went to the tubing hill to go in the dark. That was cold!! But we managed to make it, a couple times linked holding hands where all the girls laughed and giggled at holding a guy’s hand, a few times just alone. We then had to quick change to warm clothes and go to the gym for a game. The red guys sat by us and the blue had to leave us. We then had to go through a sort of obstacle course. The first part was just dodging flying tennis balls (if you got hit you start over), after that you had to run around some wrestlers that had to tackle you to the ground but if you got past you went to a balance beam where you had to try and dodge these HUGE inflatable beach balls that were flying at you while not falling. After that it was just easy stuff. I made it through once, which is more than I can say for the guys of course. Beth made it through twice. Then we sat on the ground (around 11:30) and watched videos while eating Arbys food. We then RACED back to our cabins (after promising the guys that we'd all take pictures together tomorrow) to quick change before bed. Once there our counselor prayed over us, almost crying over her love for us. We then slept. Today after waking up around 6 we were in the cabin until 9. It had snowed over night throwing the camp into a panic and the day shortened considerably. We ate and found the guys then talked and goofed around a little. Then to the service. The Evangelist was riding home with us so we didn't have to leave right away. The guys on the other hand had to leave immediately for their 25 hour trip. We got one final wave as the van whipped around the corner and then we left. Mostly on the way home we were talking to Mr. Frazor and his friend Joe Kopp about accents. We kept making each other say random words to see how we said it. Finally I'm home. It was altogether an exciting weekend and I can't wait to see if I can make enough money to go for summer camp. It would a lot of fun. I'm going to ask Pastor Wagner if I can get a copy of the MP3 of Mr. Frazor speaking so I'll be able to listen again and again because he really did help me.

I'm not going to go and find the lyrics or a video to a song I'm just going to type the lyrics here.
I believe in the sun even when it is not shining
And I believe in love even when theirs no one there.
And I believe in god even when he is silent
I believe through any trial, there is always a way.
But sometimes in this suffering and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter and hope someone’s there
But a voice rises within me saying hold on my child
I'll give you strength I'll give you hope
Just stay a little while.
May there someday be sunshine
May there some day be happiness
May there someday be love
.....May there some day......
Be peace.
The song is called inscription of hope by Dr. Z. Randall Stroope. Mr. Stroope asks that whenever this piece is performed the following Paragraph is read allowed for the audience so they are able to understand the significance of the text.
The Holocaust is a stunning reminder of the tragic results of prejudice and hate toward other people. But it is also a reminder that hope held firm will eventually reign victorious over the greatest of odds. The following words were inscribed on the walls of a cellar in Cologne, Germany, where Jews were hiding from the Nazis during World War II. Hope was all they had to hold on to; hope was their only bridge to a brighter tomorrow.
I'm singing this song as a duet with another girl in my class and it really did inspire me so I am putting it here in hopes that it will make you think, and love and be maybe just a bit more grateful for the life we have today. How blessed we are to not having gone through anything of the sort. We have God to thank for that.

The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick.

I have not posted in over a month and I know that is not good. I have not been in the mood to blog lately. For three weeks in july and part of august Ian was here. Then i was a little down after he left and right now I'm getting back up again. Today has been rather boring. Everyone is just doing their own thing as my mom puts it. In other words I'm bored out of my mind because I brought nothing to do here. Ian has gone swimming and its maybe 65 degrees outside right now so that's no fun.
I'm in a little bit of pain right now because I think my infection has come back. I hope not but my mom wants to schedule me for an appointment. Another cause of pain is last night I was bit by a spider. It hurts really bad and is on my back so I can't see it unless I look in a mirror. Oh well I hope it goes away because this is the third bite I've gotten. On the last week of Ian's visit we went camping and boy was that intresting. There were normal things, campfires, swimming, and tents. But then there were the rather odd things. Banana's in pockets, Ian making fun of my Grandma, and me fighting with my cousins to the point where they're about to leave and I have to go talk to them so they don't and my grandma stays happy. We went to a zoo and that was fun, it's getting a little old because we get to pet animals, see them fed but it's the same thing different animals. The only thing I have to say I liked was the bird.



Today's song is Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. I didn't really like the song at first but then I listened to it about 20 times and really did like it. My friends Lindsey and Brooke, first showed me this song. They love the chorus almost as much as I do. The main line is 'Teenagers scare the living sh%t out of me'. I know the song is insulting teenagers by saying that they are emotionless and don't really care about anything but themselves. But the beat is fun and some of the lyrics are true. My mom, when I told her about the song, said it would be a good idea if someone made a whole cd insulting teenagers but making it so good that they had to listen to it and sing about it even though they knew it was insulting them. I don't care if it insults us, the beat is fun!


My Chemical Romance Lyrics

CannonBall into the water

I haven't blogged for a while i Know, it's just i haven't been able to. I sit down and i type about a paragraph and thats it. Nothing more so i stop and delete everything and move onto something else. This past week was not entirely boring I suppose. Saturday I went to one of my sets of grandparents houses for my grandpas surprise party. That was fun I guess he turned 60. I didn't really know half of the people there but I mingled with the ones i did and got to know the ones I didn't by listening to people talk. For my birthday I got a cellphone. It's nice i started out with 177 minutes. I got down to 80 and added 150 im now down to 90. This is not because of calling people. No. It's because I've been texting. I finally realized I can't do that much longer so I told my friends that if they wanted to talk call me or email me. I can't continue with it. I'm glad i stopped now. I have a lot of time and my phone isn't always chirping at me.



Todays song is For you I will (confidence) by Teddy Gieger(sorry if spelt wrong!). I love this song because the lyrics are true for alot of people. It's about a guy who likes a girl and she doesn't know about it and hes working up the confidence (hint hint) to tell her how he feels. He knows she has a boyfriend but still wants her and thinks hes better for her. I know it's short but there's not much I can say about it. Because everyone does want what they can't have. They always want to try to get it though and sometimes they fail and sometimes they succeed but just being able to know they tried is enough. It's enough to know that they didn't just sit back and watch the best thing float by. One of my bestfriends, Briley, she had a boyfriend a while back and she chose this song for her and him. He was extremely popular and a bit of a snob. But he liked her for her and she was so excited because she had liked him for quite a while and managed to get him finally. Sadly they did break up because of his huge ego but she's still my friend. One of my other friends, Jared, said that he liked this song and would love to be able to sing it because he loves his girlfriend very much and knows that she loves the song.


For You I Will (confidence) Lyrics

Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love or whatever you call it

Well life is intresting I have to say. This weekend I got a haircut at Chameleons in greenbay. My mom is gettinga haircut there tomorow. I do like it but to get my hair straight it's going to take at least 2 hours. So i'm just going to put it up until it dries then take it down and straighten it. Today is one year for me and Ian. It's a little wierd because we're not getting each other anything until he's here in July. This morning I woke up to the telephone ringing. By the 20th ring I got up and answered. It was my dad wanting to talk to my brother. I go to the living room where he is sitting AWAKE watching my sister. I yell at him for not answering the phone and then give it to him. I then had to get my sister something to drink and her medicine because my brother has neglected to do so. Sometimes I wonder why he bothers getting up with her if he doesn't watch her in the first place.

Thursday night I think it was when i was rushed to the ER. I had major back pain and a fever so my mom took me in. It turns out i have a kidney infection. I'm put on pills for ten days. Go me! It was hard on saturday because i had a headache, leg ache, foot ache, back ache, and stomach ache. We also found out my grandma might have had a stroke so my aunt and uncle wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused to go. We're hoping she'll just get better and this whole thing will blow over.

Todays song is cupids chokehold by gymclassheros. My mom calls this song the badadada song because they say that repetedly throughout the song. I like this song because it's sweet how the guy talks about the girl. The best line i think in the song is If i had to choose her or the son I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun. My friends favorite line is we can be on the phone for three hours not saying on word and I would still cherish every moment. My dad says this song is a remake but I'm not sure. There are two songs my mom can't stand it's this one and Don't matter by aKon or the whiny song. But i think this song is really good actually. The way he found so many things to say about her and how hes explaining to his dad and mom that this girl is the girl he wants to marry. Heres the lyrics:


Cupid's Chokehold Lyrics

video:

Love lifts us up were we belong

Yesterday was beautiful. My friend invited me swimming. I went along of course because it was the first time i got to swim in the river all year. There was me, Lindsey, Kelsey, Jared, Joe, Jamie, and Briley. After a while it was just me, Lindsey and Briley. Then just me and Lindsey. We talked about so many wierd things. While we were sitting there criticizing people's tans saying whose looked fake and whose didn't and such it hit me we were freshman. No long middle schoolers. But completely and utterly highschoolers. I told her and we jumped and hugged and laughed. We then decided to lay down to tan and talk because we were bored. Shortly after laying down my mom pulled up. My mom said i looked like a lobster. Well when i tried to go to sleep last night I nearly cried. I had to lay on my side with my arm over my head and with my shirt completely off my back. I'm am so red I make an apple look pale. I was going to go to my great grandma's house today but I'd have to be sitting with my back not touching anything for three hours straight. So i stayed home. This morning my sister started yelling at me to get me out of bed. She was spazzing because her mommy and daddy weren't home. Then she burst into tears because she wanted 'cuddle' time. I, having just gotten out of bed in excrutiating pain, was not in the mood. I got her her medicine and she didn't like the juice I got her. So of course i got her plain old skim milk instead. Aren't I the nicest of sisters?

The dream I had last night was deeply amusing. My mom just bought my stepdad a grill for fathers day. In my dream I asked what they were going to do with the old grill and my mom said just throw it away and i got mad. I said i wanted a new ipod so if i got one would i just throw away my old one? We then got into a furocious argument. I was yelling that i wanted an orange ipod nano. They don't make them of course. She was saying I didnt' need one because i already had a blue ipod mini. I said the mini was to BIG. In fact it looked ginormous to me. She said i should be gald i ahve one and am not just stuck with a cd player. I said it wasn't thanks to her, it was because my dad got it. We then fought more. Really wierd dream because i guess i'm ok with my ipod i mean it is kinda big but thats because all my friends have nanos but i was one of the first people in the school to have an ipod. I got mine in sixth grade when all my friends got theres this past year in 8th grade.
The music I've been listening to lately is stuff by manhattan transfer. I don't know most of their songs but i listen to "Boy from New York City", "Trickle, Trickle", "Operator", and "Java Jive". But those aren't the songs for today. I'm going to talk about Moulin Rouge. For those of you who haven't seen this it's a MUST see. It's a musical about love. The main line is 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love. And be loved in return.' A man trying to find love and falls for a girl. It's so sweet. Well my friends have seen it because i Have made them see it. My friend, Kelsey, says that her favorite part is where the dwarf says "We are the childwen of the Revowution!" My favorite part in this musical is the Elephant Love Melody. It's a mix of many different love songs put together. It starts out as fun then slows then up again. The man is begging for the girl to give him a chance to love her. See if they can be together. She doesn't want to because she sells her body to the night or in other words shes a prostitute. lyrics:

Elephant Love Medley Lyrics

There is no video except for the movie one and I'm not going to spoil that for you so tata!